literature

Schumacher Wins

Deviation Actions

biLateRaLCIpheR's avatar
Published:
272 Views

Literature Text

Current music, new wave. Current mood, covert.

I’m doing it again, and the day hasn’t even reached noon. How does one know that one’s an addict? There has to be some kind of informal quiz. Question 1, do you indulge in the morning? Question 2, do you indulge alone?

Question 16, would you rather read popular literature than be intimate with your significant other?

At least I got one question right.

The latest faceless agent in a long line of unjudged covers, this new release, I have a vague understanding that it’s called Noise. The author is Jeff Schumacher. He’s the season’s hot writer, the amateur sociologist and brand-name anarchist who goes with chilled chai lattes like pasta goes with white wine. Jeff Schumacher, he’s the guy who wrote about the welfare dependent who intentionally gets trampled at WalMart.
And the demented pedophile librarian with irritable-bowel syndrome. And the airline stewardess who dabbles in voodoo and makes bombs out of stale peanuts in aluminum packets. Or maybe that was someone else.

What I do remember about Schumacher is his style. Short sentences. Descriptors that tackle the reader like a Secret Service agent taking a bullet. Overall, a style so hip it should sprout legs.

In this book, there’s no question what he’s trying to say. Thinly veiled is an understatement. It’s more like the Californians pulled Saran Wrap over the Hollywood sign to keep it fresh. It’s like Carmex on a cold sore. Page after page, Schumacher preaches on the Rostra. Sound kills, he’s saying. Silence is golden. The media is destroying your soul. Force-feeding yourself with information disables independent thought. Music shrivels the imagination.

Suddenly, my stereo feels loud. I fish for the volume knob and turn the programmed beats down.

Current music, quiet. Current mood, ashamed.

While he’s on the subject, Schumacher says, he’d might as well denounce all of humanity. The human race is a waste of protoplasm. America is a land rife with infidels. Capitalism is just plain evil (this point is contradicted by the back cover, which states $7.99 US.) People who spend their time indoors are agents of the devil. People who learn are the devil.

Sure, Mr. Schumacher, sure.

I’m putting the book down without marking the page, putting on shoes and going outside. The last thing I need is to spend money on a guilt trip.

Current music, birdsong. Current mood, content.
The first ever writefight. Art taken from stock photos, biatch. Story inspired by Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk.
© 2004 - 2024 biLateRaLCIpheR
Comments1
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
sesquipedalian's avatar
This is the third time I've read it, and only now did I understand what was going on. This does not mean it's bad - it's excellent. It just means I'm incredibly slow and braindead. :^\